Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Any Old Iron

The Ironing Monologue:

What sort of time d'you call this? Any sane person would have done this the night before, you know, when the kids were asleep. It's called 'prior planning'. Shirt for Daddy and dress for Gertie. It would be so much easier if you weren't trying to make breakfast at the same time. That way marmite might not appear on one or both items. Oh - you're not putting me away just yet. There must be more to come.

A short while later.

Do stop smiling so smugly; they're only shirts. You've managed a grand total of four - that's not even a week's worth. And anyway, everyone but you knows that you should start with the collar and then the yoke. Do you even know what a yoke is? Some starch would be nice. I suppose the nozzle's still blocked and you've neglected to do anything about it. Still, you seem to have your own 'unique' technique, don't you? Draping a sleeve in the cat-litter: all part of the process.

And don't pretend you know what you're doing with that dial. Don't you think it's about time you added some water? Some of us are a little bit thirsty here, particularly with the way you use the 'steam' setting so unpredictably.

Tut. Tut. Was that a little swear word I heard? Don't you know why I've left that nasty black mark on the front? It's because you don't clean me. There. Serves you right.

What's that coming out now? Your jeans. That must mean that you haven't given them enough time to dry. Again. No other reason I would see them, is there? It's not really my job, is it? The waistband will still be damp after and you'll only regret it later when you have a red itchy mark around that roll that passes for a tummy. Don't you have anything else to wear?

Blimey: tea cloths too. That's a rarity. Your mother must be coming over. That explains the pathetic attempt to impersonate a domestic goddess.

You're fooling no-one, especially not her.

This is my second attempt at the writing workshop, courtesy of Josie at Sleep is for the Weak. I have opted to imagine that a familiar household object is self-aware and conscious, and have written a short monologue from the point of view of my iron. We don't have the best relationship: I have only been blogging for just over a month, but ironing has already come up on several occasions during that short space of time so it seemed appropriate!

12 comments:

  1. Love it! There's no way that I could speak for our iron as I NEVER use it. Don't believe in ironing. My husband doesn't mind going out in somewhat wrinkled shirts. I wear Mummy clothes all the time...life is good!
    :) Great post!
    Karin
    http://cafebebe.co.uk/blog

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  2. My poor iron is mute, he never comes out of the cupboard. Great post x

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  3. I iron exactly 4 shirts a week which is what my husband needs for work. Me and the baby like being creased! If Mr wants anything else he has to do it himself :)

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  4. I don't own an iron so you are far more of a domestic goddess than me! I just hang the clothes up when wet and hope for the best. My mum tends to iron whatever clothes I've brought for Sam (we stay over every Friday) for the next day! The irony is I used to enjoy doing the ironing when I was a teenager to help out!
    Fantastic post.

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  5. Love it!
    Sadly my iron has lost the ability to speak through lack of use and its confinement to the cupboard. It drives my poor husband mental. Not mental enough to get the iron out and re-animate it himself, I notice!

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  6. I swear I left a comment on here earlier - I think I'm losing it today!
    I meant to say that a) this is very funny and b) my iron only recognises Mr MakeDo x

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  7. Ha! Brilliant!

    My iron squints up at me in confusion on his brief forays from the cupboard - "who are you?! - let me go back to sleep!"

    Another none-ironer here. You ARE a domestic goddess!

    Josie - SIFTW
    x

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  8. This had me chuckilng away so true and i love your use of personification ha!

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  9. Love this..... not sure what my iron would say other than, do you not watch anyting else but crap reality shows? probably because i can only bear to iron if completely preoccupied with the shallow (but vastly more entertaining) lives of B and C clss celebrities on reality shows.

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  10. Very good, sounds like my iron! I've tagged you with an award here http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/2009/11/that-woman-and-awards-10-things-you.html

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  11. great blog! I read your 'about me' I used to be a teacher too before I had kids. I too feel like I am making it up as I go along.

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  12. Thank you so much to everyone for all your nice comments; I've never had so many before! Clearly I should sacrifice my 'voice' and write more often as an inanimate object...

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